Understand your duty. In front of parents. PART ONE.
“Honor your father and mother...”, “we are indebted to our parents” - all this is true for a family in which parents fulfilled their duty to children, where children received their love and wisdom. But for such children, these commandments are not needed, because where we receive sincere love, we NATURALLY have a desire to honor, love and communicate with parents.
What if the relationship with them is far from ideal?
What is behind these phrases then? And does this mean that the daughter of an alcoholic should devote her life to her father, giving him the debt of her birth? Does this mean that we must endure our parents, whatever they may be, take care of them and support them, and if we do not do this, then heavenly punishment threatens us?
I often encounter a complete misunderstanding of this issue in children, and today I want to shed light on issues related to relationships with parents.
So, what debts do we have to our parents, and in what case do we still owe them something?
DEBT #1. Accept your parents for who they are, love them.
Whatever our parents were, they gave us life.
For this we are indebted to them.
This means that we do not owe them anything for our lives, because we cannot give life to our parents, we cannot become parents for them, although some children try to do this.
We ALWAYS REMAIN CHILDREN for our parents.
So, our task is to ACCEPT love from them. To pass it on. To my children.
Our task is to UNDERSTAND and FORGIVE them if they were guilty before us, if they failed to convey to us their happiness and love to the extent that we needed.
To understand your parents, you need to imagine yourself in their place, in their circumstances, to feel what kind of life they lived, to understand that they gave us exactly as much as they themselves had.
To forgive your parents, you need to express all the accumulated negative emotions in their address, all the anger about their mistakes in education, all the pain of children's misunderstanding of their actions, all the fears associated with their attitude towards the child, all the blame that they put on you when you were a child.
It is impossible to feel love for your parents if you have grievances and claims against them, it is impossible to force yourself to respect and love a person if he mocked us. First, he needs to return all the pain received from him. And if this cannot be done in person, then write out your negative at least on paper.
This will be your main step towards loving them, because if we do not feel love for someone, then it is buried under the negative emotions associated with communicating with this person, and you must first clear them, then love will manifest itself naturally. way.
OUR DUTY is to unload from negative emotions, childhood traumas associated with the mistakes of our parents, their destructive behavior towards us. In this way we will awaken in ourselves love for them.
This is our duty to them. In front of. And in front of your children. If we do not do this, all this baggage will pass into the psyche of our children (this is how, in fact, birth problems are created).
LOVE YOUR PARENTS DOES NOT MEAN:
RESPECT THEM at their request. The respect of the younger for the elder arises naturally if the elders patronize the younger ones, if they love them, protect them from all problems, including emotional ones. We cannot respect our parents if they mocked us, if they turned their lives into a garbage dump, if all they can offer us is their negative experience. We can love them, understanding their life, we can forgive their weaknesses, but they had to work on the respect of their children for them.
FOLLOW ALL THEIR REQUIREMENTS AND REQUESTS. If you have a child, you know very well that by satisfying all his whims, you cause irreparable harm to him, you turn him into an egoist. The child has needs that parents are designed to satisfy, and the child has desires that you can satisfy in accordance with your abilities and desires. Then the child will grow up in a healthy atmosphere, then he will understand that if he wants to get what he wants, he needs to learn to endure, cooperate, and take into account the desires of other people. Isn't it much more important than giving a child what they want on demand?
The same understanding applies to relationships with parents.
It is not normal if an adult man with a family and children rushes to her at the first call of her mother, frightened by her cries that she will now have a heart attack, which is clean water manipulation.
It is not normal if a woman rushes to the other end of the city to her father, who got drunk and flooded the neighbors in order to clean his apartment, compensate for the damage to the neighbors, and somehow bring him to his senses.
By doing this, we turn our parents into egoists.
And it is very important for us to learn to distinguish where we are being manipulated, filling the void of loneliness, and where parents really need our help. As a rule, we feel it - we do not want to save them when they place a burden on us that we cannot bear. And we do this so as not to be bad children in their eyes and in the eyes of our neighbors, and not because we want it from the bottom of our hearts.
It is important to learn how to protect your borders from attacks on your life by all people who want to take advantage of us, even if they are the closest people.
TO DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO THEM by sacrificing your life, your happiness, your family. You probably know entire clans of single women who live with their mothers, who are unable to create their own family, because their mother is their family, and she simply does not let anyone else into her daughter's life, fearing that her husband will take her place and she will lose free source of energy for yourself.
We don't have to live their lives, that's what they are for.
We should not solve their problems, because no child can solve the problems of an adult, in the family hierarchy with our parents, we forever take the place of their children.
We should not listen to their instructions and follow them if their way of life is not a model to follow.
We should not follow their orders, demands, succumb to their manipulations, tricks.
We SHOULD NOT let them ruin our lives! By doing so, by giving parents excessive power over ourselves, we destroy both ourselves and them, contributing to joint degradation.
LIVE WITH THEM AND SUFFER THEM. A girl who lives in an unfavorable environment begins to destroy herself, she has no chance of becoming happy while she is in this environment. A man who lives in an unfavorable environment begins to destroy others - anger, aggression, bad habits, inability to work in a team, violence against a woman - all this comes from a family where the man was bullied.
Now give me one reason why this girl and this man should stay with such parents?
TALK WITH THEM. We only develop when we are in healthy relationships. What does a healthy relationship mean in relation to our parents?
This means they:
They fulfill their parental duty to us, i.e. give us their unconditional love and support, no matter what happens to us - and do not require support and love from us;
They listen to us, taking on OUR negative emotions, and do not use every occasion to dump their accumulated emotional garbage on us. This is the most destructive thing parents can do to us if we let them. And if we allow them to do this, then our children become hostages of our weakness, then accepting our + parental negative emotions from us.
They take care of the girl before her marriage, guarding and protecting her financially, carefully transferring care of her into the hands of her husband, and do not kick her out of the house to earn money and compensate for the financial damage to her parents for her life at home.
They help the child to reveal his nature, to show his talents, and do not impose their dogmas, their vision of the world, their ideas about the happiness of the child.
They take responsibility for their relationship with children, finding and correcting their mistakes in relations with children, and do not require respect, attention, care, money, effort, time, love from them. In general, any requirements of parents indicate that relations with them are unhealthy.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, your psyche is destroyed. If communication with your mother turns into listening to her complaints, you yourself are destroyed and contribute to the degradation of your mother. If communication with your father is reduced to his asking for money for drinks, you are ruining and destroying his life.
We are afraid of being accused of selfishness, we are afraid to be guilty again in the unfinished life of our father or mother, we are afraid of being left without any support from them, and therefore we allow them to mock us further, unable to say NO to their disgusting, because they inspired us that they are always right, and if something is wrong in our communication, then the child is to blame, not the adult.
And if we succumb to this fear, if we do not find the strength in ourselves to leave the environment where we are being destroyed, then not only we will suffer from this, but also those who do this to us. Because people who feel ever-increasing guilt before us, our parents who ruined our lives, there is a desire to defend their position, continuing to look for flaws IN US, and not in themselves. And staying with them, we allow it to do with us.
And this is NOT LOVE!
Loving your parents means:
Accept them as they are, stop demanding love, support, some benefits from them, realizing that they gave everything that they themselves had a long time ago. No parent will hold back love for their child, he always gives everything without a trace. Just as it is useless to wait for water at a dry well, so it is senseless to demand happiness from those who do not know where it lives.
Stop judging their way of life, themselves, their faith, their behavior, etc. Judgment allows us to do nothing in our lives, because it is much easier to blame mom for not giving knowledge about family life to justify your unhappy life than to start looking for knowledge on how to start a family.
Stop saving them and solving those problems that they can solve themselves, stop being their mother, vest, doctor, psychologist, priest, husband or wife, teacher. In doing so, we deprive our children of all this. Because we must perfectly play all these roles for our children. Not for parents. By doing this, we make our parents helpless ahead of time, we teach them that we don’t need to do anything, we don’t need to seek help from a psychologist, we don’t need to seek knowledge, we don’t need to be treated, we don’t need to seek God, just call our daughter, and She will give up everything to save her mother.
Say a resolute NO to their desire to throw out their problems, their negative emotions on children. We cannot process them, because children cannot correct the mistakes of their parents, and everything should be the other way around - we should be able to complain to our mother about life, and she should calm us down. Then everything will be fine with our psyche.
This list can be listed for a very long time, these are just guidelines for you, you will better understand how to act in different situations with your parents, if you simply learn the principles that are listed here.
And if you can follow them, you will feel that great love, gratitude, respect and appreciation for them for the opportunity to live and improve is born in your heart. Even if at first it seemed to you that they ruined your whole life. And then you will experience from your own experience what it means to “honor your father and mother.”
To be continued…
That's all for today.
Tatyana Plotnikova.
Who invented the obligation to help parents? With what joy do children, for example, have to postpone their personal vacation on the weekends in order to go help their parents with repairs or even dig potatoes in the country? It's even more surprising when your father needs help fixing the car, and you have a vacation on your nose. And how do you like the promises of society in the style of "my father travels by minibuses with transfers, but he rolls his ass in a Porsche and cannot at least buy Kalina for his father"? I wonder if such speakers understand that if the father cannot afford to buy a car, then how will he fill the same fret viburnum?
There is a common phrase that parents repay their debts to their children. That is, their parents invested their time, resources and just care in them, and we, accordingly, will give it all to our children (in this place, the childless laugh maliciously, because they can live only for themselves without having to repay these same debts) . But children are children, of course, but what do parents have to do with it?
When you live with your parents, you help them around the house, take out the trash, bring something into this house: this is inevitable, because at that moment your common house is your common comfort zone, but what a joy it is to carry something there after that How do you no longer live together? This is no longer your home, where do our people get such worshipful manners and affection? Who even came up with this elevation in the phrase "father's house"? This is simply a designation for NOT your home, where you temporarily lived until you found your home.
Everyone has their own path in life. Yes, parents had to work hard and hard to "feed, clothe, shoe, educate." But they repay us debts to their parents. And if their parents (our grandparents) gave them such an insignificant bad education that they struggle all their lives to earn three kopecks, then who is to blame? What does it have to do with you and your personal Mercedes or BMW?
It turns out a situation where children owe both their parents (this debt is imposed) and their children (this debt is fair). Is it fair? Personally, I think that parents themselves should think about their future, including old age, and not impose their "sacredness" on their children! Earned a pension of 3 rubles? Your problems. Yes, neither children nor the state will let you die of hunger, but don’t count on more! Were you able to provide for yourself at working age? Well done! All developed countries are built on this.
No one in the US will say that my children don't give me money or help me with treatment, no one! There is insurance, there are special government assistance programs. Everything is fair: you have been paying the state all your life, it is obliged to help you, and this is also not something strange or sudden! And only in Russia can parents spend their money left and right in their youth, and then in their old age complain that their children do not take care of them as much as they would like.
You need to take care of yourself! First you need to ensure a high profitability of your life activity. Can you just turn screws? Ok, you'll have a job, but don't worry that you've spent your whole life working to feed the kids. Got an education, created a business. Then he really repaid his debts to his children (fed, clothed, shod, education). Everything - debts are distributed. Then fill your life with emotions: travel, buy what you deserve (ferrari, bentley, castle system, whatever you want). But do not forget that no one will owe you anything in old age. Nobody and nothing. If you live in the States, then the state (your taxes work out), if you live in Russia or Ukraine, or in Moldova with Belarus, then forget it at all. Take your savings and live for yourself, creating what fruits your life's deeds give. If you want - buy an apartment for your children - help your grandchildren (after all, children, logically, will be obliged to buy an apartment for their children), if you don't want, go around the world like Japanese pensioners.
What do you think about the concept of "debt to parents"? Do you help your parents financially? Do you go to the country to dig potatoes to the detriment of your legal day off? Do you spend your personal money on parenting needs? And most importantly, how do you prepare for old age now, when you only go to clubs and it’s nice to talk with girls?
If children love their parents, they will help them simply because they want to do them good, express their gratitude, and not because they need to repay some kind of mythical debt
If the older, the Soviet generation was for the most part brought up on the concept of "duty" - to their parents, to their homeland. Young people are more likely to believe that no one owes anything to anyone or turn the understanding of duty upside down - "you wanted me, you gave birth to me, it is YOU who owe me." Where is the "golden mean"? Is everything clear? The concept of duty to parents is deep, often not fully realized, but it can cause many psychological problems and life obstacles. Let's see what debt children and parents have to each other.
Why is it bad to feel obligated?
Psychologists testify to many cases when an exaggerated sense of duty to parents led to the fact that a person, in fact, did not live his life. First he "should" become a good man in the eyes of his parents, because they gave birth to him and raised him - to get a decent education and find a job. Then he "should" start a family and give grandchildren to his parents - a guarantee that the lineage continues. Then comes the period when we “must” return to our parents the care they gave us in childhood – when they grow old, care for them and provide for them. What happens - we take a third of our lives, and the rest we “should” give this debt to our parents? When, then, to live for oneself, and is it even possible with such an understanding of duty? From the point of view of development, achieving success in all spheres of life, such a rigid attitude to repayment of debt severely limits a person's opportunities, to a certain extent deprives him of his freedom of choice. If the authority of parents is strong and they use it, then they can break a person’s dreams, aspirations, as they please - “I didn’t give birth to you and didn’t sleep at night so that you become an actor, find a decent job!” and everything like that. Here, of course, it is worth saying that parents who focus on paying back their children are nothing more than manipulators who have no idea what it means to be a parent in reality.
Gratitude instead of guilt
A sense of duty is inextricably linked with a sense of guilt - my mother spent half her life raising me, now I have to become this, do this and please her in this way. A person comes into this life not to fulfill someone's whims, dreams and follow someone else's course. In trying to satisfy your parents, it is very easy to lose yourself and live not your own life, but one that they like. And do not count on the fact that the return of the "debt" is equivalent to happiness from self-realization and the fulfillment of one's own desires, because this is not so. If your parents are not able to accept you as you are, with your desires and aspirations, forgive them and still do it your way. Feeling grateful to your parents is wonderful, gratitude is a positive feeling, in contrast to an obligation. If you are grateful, it does not tie your hands - you can live as you see fit, and at the same time take care of your parents, show them your love.
Parents give birth to children to satisfy innate needs, but not in order to have someone to take care of them in old age
By inviting you into this world, your parents, first of all, did it for themselves. They got a lot - the opportunity to realize themselves as parents, the happiness and joy of motherhood (fatherhood), your unconditional love in childhood. They wanted it, and they got it, so it is unacceptable for parents to demand anything from their children, the return of a mythical debt. If they expected something from you, put their expectations on the altar and have already figured out for you what kind of life you should live, these are their problems that only they can solve. When you came into this world, you received care and love from your parents (and how else, because you were helpless and dependent!), but did they really give all this to you only because they hoped to receive something in return later, when will you grow up? This is a fundamentally wrong understanding of the role of father and mother - they should give the child unconditional love without expecting anything. For a parent, the main criterion for success is how happy the child will live his life. Therefore, if we “owe” something to our parents (and in fact - to ourselves), it is only to be happy.
Requiring children to dedicate their lives to looking after them in their old age is a selfish demand.
Some parents require their children to leave their families and jobs in order to care for them in their old age. They openly declare this, thereby seeking to arouse guilt in their children. The idea of a nurse, a nursing home, where they can communicate with their peers, receive more professional care, is seen as a betrayal for them. But is it really so? The idea that children have to sacrifice their lives for parents to be searched is a relic of the past, when there were no pensions, carers, nursing homes, etc., in the past, children were the only guarantee that parents would not die of starvation, but We now live in the 21st century. If children love their parents, they will help them simply because they want to do good to them, express their gratitude, and not because they need to pay some kind of mythical debt. Soviet-style people continue to live in relics of the past, considering it normal to burden their children in adulthood and demand self-sacrifice from them.
To give birth to children, to raise them, in order to later say that they are in unrequited debt - this is pure manifestation of selfishness. Wise loving parents themselves should take care of how they can be more independent from the help of children in old age. Helping children to their parents is not the fulfillment of duty, smoothing out the guilt imposed on them by their parents, but is only a manifestation of gratitude for gratuitous unconditional love, but nothing else.
Algorithm for writing an essay on social studies.
An essay, like any essay, is divided into three parts: 1) introduction 2) main part 3) conclusion
Introduction: Name the science to which the statement you have chosen refers; Remember what you know about the author of this statement (When, where did you live? Who was, what questions did you study, etc.) If you do not know anything about the author of the statement, then give a definition of the science to which the selected statement refers. You should end up with 2-3 sentences in total.
The statement “Children give their debt to their parents to their children” (IN Shevelev) The statement I have chosen by the Russian sociologist Shevelev refers to sociology. Sociology is a social science about the general patterns of formation, functioning and development of society, its structures, subjects and institutions.
Main part: Having studied and comprehended the statement, indicate the general theme raised in this statement. Define a general theme term and briefly describe it. If possible, also name two or three thinkers who considered the topic, briefly formulate their views. (If you don't know anything about it, it's best to skip this part. Avoid clichés like "Many authors have written about it.") You should end up with 4-6 sentences total.
The general topic raised by I.N. Shevelev in his statement - public relations. Public relations- these are the diverse ties that arise between social groups, as well as within them in the process of economic, political, social and cultural life and activities. Among the thinkers who discussed this topic, the Roman philosopher Seneca, who argued that people are born to live together and support each other. Another Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius argued that people are born for each other. The Chinese philosopher Konfucius called for building relationships between people on the basis of humanity and mercy.
Continuation of the main part: We recall which sections (aspects) can be distinguished in this general topic; We describe 3-4 aspects of this general theme. You should end up with 3-4 sentences in total.
Social relations, depending on the sphere of public life, are divided into several types: political - relations between people regarding the conquest and retention of power, economic - relations in the process of production and consumption of material and spiritual goods, national - relations between different peoples.
Continuation of the main part: Indicate that aspect of the general topic to which the selected statement refers. Total should be 1-2 sentences.
I.N. Shevelev in his statement speaks of another type of social relations - family relations, relations between parents and children.
Continuation of the main part: Remember what issues (problems, features, character traits) can be distinguished in this aspect; Describe 3-5 questions of this aspect (the one that is highlighted as the main one, i.e. in the statement specifically on this aspect). In total, you should get 3-5 sentences.
The relationship between parents and children is built depending on the type of upbringing in the family. In an authoritarian family, upbringing is based on the indisputable authority of the parents; in a liberal family, relationships are based on a high assessment of the child, trust in him, minimal restrictions; in a democratic family, education is based on the self-determination of the personality of the child, recognizing his right to self-development. Depending on the type of upbringing, such family functions as economic (maintenance of the common household), protective, socialization (formation of the child as a person) take place.
Continuation of the main part: Indicate the question directly considered by the author. You should end up with 1-2 sentences in total.
I.N. Shevelev in his statement considers such a problem family relations like the behavior of children towards their parents.
Conclusion: Express your attitude to the author's point of view (agree, disagree, partially agree); Prove your point of view in the course of reasoning based on social theories, social experience and facts of public life. It is strongly not recommended to use examples of everyday experience that are not supported by a theoretical basis. Examples must be fully disclosed and explained - brief wording and lack of explanation are punishable. At the end of the work, a brief conclusion should be made on the topic of the statement.
With the opinion of I.N. Shevelev cannot but agree. Indeed, children receive care and love from their parents and must repay their parents in kind. Only children often do not understand that they are taken care of, and violently protest against the educational measures of their parents. It seems to me that I.N. Shevelev meant that a correct understanding of the actions of parents comes too late, often after the death of the parents. In this case, children transfer their failed care for their parents to their children. Thus, they return to their parents the love and care received from them.
science (section of social science). The general theme of this science. Aspects (sections) of the general theme. The aspect to which the statement corresponds. Questions (internal content) of this aspect. The question (problem) to which the statement corresponds. own understanding of the problem.
